3 Tips for Talking to Your Kids About the Hard Stuff
Both in and out of the therapy office, I have parents asking me how to talk to their kids about "adult" issues, and I tend to rely on the same suggestions, so here I am sharing them with you.
You Are More Uncomfortable Than Your Child Is
Hands down, the adult is always more uncomfortable than the kid is. If you listen carefully to the conversations kids have with themselves, their friends, and their angels, you will hear them talk about topics ranging from bullying, body image, sex, death, life, ghosts, farts, and boogers. They talk about these topics so matter of factly, and with no shame. Shame and discomfort with different topics come from years of outside influences telling us that the topic is weird, taboo, not religious enough, too religious, gross, sad, scary and inappropriate. Before starting a conversation with a child about a big topic, take a few deep breaths, and give yourself this pep talk: "this topic is totally normal, I recognize that I feel uncomfortable, but by talking about it openly, I am choosing love and respecting my child enough to trust that they deserve the truth about all aspects of life and death. This is no big deal"
Kids Can Feel Your Energy
Sometimes, parents think that they will just not tell their kids about their diagnosis, they won't take the child to the funeral, and they won't visit that loved one in the hospital. It is easier that way right? We would never want to bother the child or stress them out... WRONG, wrong, wrong. Children can feel your energy. Have you ever joined a conversation and the people in the conversation quickly stop talking and awkwardly change the subject? Have you ever walked into a room and felt that heavy feeling that the people in the room just had a fight?
One time a parent said to me "Bobby has been acting up lately, it's just so hard to handle these new mood swings in addition to the stress that Susan and I have been going through with the new diagnosis." I said, "that is a lot to handle, I'm guessing you have not talked to Bobby about the diagnosis yet, huh?" He said, "uhh, no, we have no idea how to bring it up, how did you know?"
It is just so classic. Parents hiding stressful information from a child, then the child acts out.
The absolute best thing you can do for your child is to be open about stressful times, explain what you are feeling and what you need.
Here is an example of how I handled my diagnosis with the kids (The twins were age 4):
"I learned some information about my body today. The doctor said that my thyroid is sick with this thing called cancer. Guess what? I have a whole team of super smart doctors who are working on making me healthy again! I might have to spend some time away from you while they help me, but we will tell you everything when we know what is happening."
Along the way, I have said things like "I am crying because I feel sad about having to leave you for two weeks to have my treatment. I would love to have some cuddles and we can talk about how we will stay connected even while I am gone."
We use the word cancer out loud, and I explain what is happening with my treatment. It has been so helpful to me through this process, to be open and not have the stress of saying the wrong thing in front of the kids. Kids can feel parents pretending, and lying. It is not healthy for either party to act like nothing is wrong when there is turmoil inside. I had a couple of surgeries so far, and one caused a scar on my neck from ear to ear. Now that I am recovered from that surgery, the kids will sit on my lap and trace the scar with their finger and say that they are glad the doctors fixed me. I'm still not clear of cancer yet, but I let the kids say that I am fixed, because we honestly do not know any different. I may have more treatment ahead of me, and I may not. We take it one step at a time.
Use Real Words
Whenever parents use substitute words for real words it is about their own discomfort with the word. Kids do not have the same associations with words that adults do, and you have this amazing opportunity to create associations for them! Cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, penis, clitoris, vagina, breasts, scrotum, and on and on and on. We have taught our kids' anatomical terms for their body, and private parts, and in the process have instilled a sense of ownership, protection, and care for them. Yes, my kids have said the words penis and vagina in public, and no, I do not get embarrassed or ashamed. I give them a high five and say "thank you for using the correct term, do you have something to tell me about your penis now, or can it wait until we have private time to talk?" Let us remember that there is a reason that we have words for things in our culture. If your kids learn to call their private parts things like twig, wee wee, butterfly or flower, you have created a secret language for your kids body parts that is unknown to outsiders, and created a sense of shame around anatomical terms, making them seem like swear words that kids will get in trouble for saying. It's funny though that my gynecologist has never started an appointment by asking me how my flower is doing.
There is a time for baby talk with kids, and a time to treat them like fellow humans. I lean towards the latter most times, but sometimes you will hear me say "ohhhh baby girl, you are so cute I just want to squeeze your cheeks and gobble you up, muah, muah, muah..." my kids are the cutest, don't bother trying to dispute that.
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| Feeding baby girl Camille, after my coming home from my full neck dissection surgery |
What have you found is helpful in talking to your kids about touchy subjects?
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